Abuse, Abuser, Abused

How to move from being a victim to a victor.

I was going through one of the Nigerian dailies recently, and there was an article of a man that was sentenced to death for armed robbery and rape. He disposed two nurses of their valuables in the hospital they were working and raped the younger of them. To the western worlds who are trying to outlaw the capital punishment, these will be called a barbaric judgment; to some, his crime should not have carried such a hash judgment and to many others, he got what he deserved. I really will not pass my judgment on this issue; I believe that he will appeal and his case will get to the Supreme Court that will finally give the last verdict. I am more concerned about how a man can go so low as raping another human; it never cease to amaze me how people can go into these act. However, I have come to a conclusion that the statement, hurting people hurt others, people who have being abused, abuse others is true.

The cry crucify him is a common sound to hear when an ‘abuser’ is caught; everyone seems to want him/her to be hanged on a noose. I feel though that if you hear the story of the abuser you will hear a story that is often than not of someone who has gone through an abuse too. When a person has gone through an abuse, there is a psychological effect on him/her that is far more destructive than the abuse that the person has gone through. The emotional impact is usually destructive; they usually suffer from low self esteem, get angry with the world, blame themselves often time for what happened to them and are often withdrawn. Many of them don’t go for help, but assume that the pain will go away over time since they have being made to believe that wound heal over time. They end up abusing their children, and the abuse continues. Some don’t physically abuse their children in the way they were, but treat them in such a way that the children become negatively psychologically affected by the person who should freely love them.

Can abuse ever end in our world? My answer is a NO. It’ll never end, but you can end it in your family and to people around you by learning how to love and walking in love; love is a powerful medicine that can turn the victim of an abuse to a victor. The question in the mind of someone reading this article will be how can I love the person that has abused me? How can I ever let go of the things that I have gone through? Do you really know how it’s like to go through all that I have gone through in the hand of my abuser? My answer to the last question is I really don’t know how it’s like to be abused, neither have I gone through what you have gone through. But if you will ever make a head long movement in life that will stop your children from becoming an abuser, you have to learn to walk in love.

The kind of love that I am asking you to walk in can’t be achieved by your efforts; it’s possible that you have gone through clinical treatments for a solution to your pain yet have found out that it produced little result. The way to be free comes from allowing the love of God flow in you, and through you to others. Though I haven’t gone through an abuse, but I have gone through an experience that had a negative effect on the way I saw myself for years; my dad was very comfortable at a time in his life time, but after a while became mentally unstable all through his life time. It affected his children in different ways, but for me it gave a low self image effect. My healing began with making a commitment to Jesus, accepting his Lordship over my life and experiencing his love.

One of the mistakes that the abused make is that they turn their back on God and blame Him for not giving them deliverance in the time their abuser was abusing them. God is seen as the enemy instead of the way out; to them, if he loves me why did I have to go through that experience. The truth is that He loves you; He knows your pain and wants you to open the door of your heart instead of shutting Him out. Jesus went through an abuse too, yet He still loves and is interested in anyone who has gone through an abuse experience. He knows how it feels like when it seems that God has forsaken someone despite the clarity of His power. If you ever want to be a victor, you will need to turn your pain, anger and sorrow to Him, because people who have experienced love will give love.

Femi Fasanya

relationshipmatters@gmail.com

08037257479, 08083906405

My cry to fathers

A king, realizing his incompetence, can either delegate or abdicate his duties. A father can do neither. ~ Marlene Dietrich

I was recently having a discussion with a young man who had gotten married not long ago; thank God for MTN free night call. My advice to him was the need to guard his family from the past mistakes; I said to him, there is a thin line that divides the past from the present and the present from the future.

Really if a father don’t walk in this consciousness, it’s easy for him to repeat the mistakes of his own father. I guess some of the readers of this column may in time past had called their fathers irresponsible and a bad example for his children. Yet inside of everyone is the likeness of the man who gave birth to them; I feel that our children just as we assessed our own dads will be the one who will make conclusions about us too.

My cry to fathers in today’s column is, don’t repeat the mistakes of your father. Life is like a vicious cycle; history when it’s not learnt from always repeats itself. However, the impact of the repetition of history is often at a varying degree to that of the present; that of the present is far worst.

I will want every father that will read this column to do reminiscence of the past and learn from the parenting approach of their parents; they should objectively look at the constructive and negative impact of how they were brought up. Permit me to say that you can learn from the past, but it can be a colossal mistake to use the approach of your parents in the change of present trend of event. For instance, it’s wrong to impose on your children the course they ought to study; the wife they should get married to by imposing cultural superiority on them; turn your children against other cultures, etc.

Years back, I can quite remember up till date going to friend’s house and been treated by his father like an enemy because I am a Yoruba and they were Igbo (some Igbos’ have had similar experience too). The civil war thing just keeps living in the heart of many parents and they keep passing the hatred on from generation to generation. Even in the Yoruba culture, there are tribes who consider it a taboo to get married to people from a particular tribe, thus ethnic problem still exist in many states in the nation- Nigeria.

If a child has biasness for a group or culture, 80% of the time it was educated into him/her by his/her father. The father is the one that unconsciously educate his children on love, respect for humanity and the law. He is the major influencer of his family. Many of the hatreds that are still growing in our world today are because the children had been taught to hate by a father who was living under some hurt and bitterness of an experience. Some fathers merely followed what their fathers taught them without asking questions. Some fathers because they are not conscious of observing past events in their family had repeated far worse than what their own fathers had done. The reality is that it leaves a negative impact on the lives of their children. Here is the story that I believe will help buttress my point…

Kemi at the early stage of life grew in a home where there was love and care richly shared by her parents to one anther and to the children. She could still remember how her dad will come home after a tiring days work, but yet spend some time with them finding out how they were doing with their academics and getting to her them talk about all the exciting events that they had gone through in the day. She would see her dad, that his birth each day and eat his meals with praises to his wife. The only challenge that the family had then was finance; though their dad was had working, yet he just was making a enough money to meet the needs of the home. She could remember the number of times that her school fee was not paid in time and she and her siblings were sent home. Yet the peace and joy at home was something that remains strong in her heart until things change for the better for her dad.

Luck shown on her dad when he got promoted to head the Abuja branch of their office; the financial challenge they had became a thing of the past. However, some other things also became the thing of the past; her dad was rarely ever available at home, his excuse was that the job has become more tasking and demanding. He saw no reason for his family to move down with him to Abuja, giving excuses that weren’t tenable. Not afterwards, a friend of mum came with the news that dad was having an extra marital affair; when mum confronted him on the issue, he bluntly denied it. Three years after getting his appointment in the federal capital, he came home with one of his brothers to inform mum that he has taken another wife who has a child for him already.

Not long ago, I observe that the family he came from is polygamous. His father and three of his four male siblings also trail that part; their story is that when things get better financially for them, they end up with a second or more other wives. My fear presently is that I am dating a guy that his father is polygamous, and I haven’t been able to take the relationship because of the fear of the past.

The question I will like to ask you as father is, what do you want your children’s future to be like? Irrespective of how much money you are spending on them, what they will eventually become is who you are in many ways. Break the cycle of event that you don’t like from the way you grew up and let your own child have a clean break because they represent the outcome of the future.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405

Mum vs. children

I had to check on someone in Ikorodu recently; on my way back home, I bought a bunch of banana and groundnut for my family. When I got home, I didn’t meet them at home; earlier in the day, my wife had gone for training in her office and she had taken our first son to one of my friends place to play with their children while she took our last child (baby) along with her. When I got home, I called to find out were they are and had to go pick them there.

When we all got home, trust my son he soon found the things I bought and came screaming, daddy can I have some banana. My response was a yes, so he ate 4 pieces before he went to bed. The next day he asked his mum if he can have more, but she didn’t give him her consent on that. So he came looking for me; he found me in the bathroom and asked me if he can have more bananas. I loved to say ‘yes’, but told him ‘no’ with the statement, you mum had already told you not to eat any banana for now. That settled the demand for the banana until later in the day.

Some months ago, I had to correct a dad on what I perceived he was doing wrong. Whenever his wife corrects his child in a way he didn’t like, he will scream at her in the presence of the child. I told him if he keeps going on that way, some day when their child is old enough, he will be manipulative. Whenever, he needs a thing and his mum says no, all he will do is walk up to daddy and have his way. Whenever mummy scream at him or tries to beat him, all he will do is run to his savior- daddy.

I really need to speak to fathers to stop interfering the way they do between their wives and their children; it really is not healthy for their children’s upbringing. Watch children that both parents are not united when it comes to the way they raise them; they never turn out well in life.

We parents need to give credit to our child; they are not as brainless as we assumed they are. They are actually young at heart but growing in their thinking level by what they observe happening around them. They study mummy and daddy; they know when they are in a good mood; they know which one easily succumb to their demand; they know which one to go to when they want to have their way in any issue. My son unconscious knows that I am the big shot, and if mum says ‘no’ on anything, dad’s ‘yes’ will override. Your children also know who is the boss in the house, so daddy is the target that they most subvert. Daddy don’t do well under pressure; all they need do is go to daddy over and over again asking for the ice cream in the fridge and it’s just a matter of time he will carve in. Mummy is however different, her ‘no’ is often ‘no’; try to pressure her and they know they are not far from been smacked.

There is a battle going on in your home; it’s an unconscious battle between your wife and children. The questions I will like to ask you as a father is, who wins the battle- your wife or children? The decider of who wins is really the man of the house; I really wish all fathers should allow their wives win even when they don’t like what their wives decisions may be. I learnt this from what happened in an organization year’s back; the managing director of the firm had made a decision that didn’t go well with the staffs of the organization, and it was bringing lots of discontent amongst the staffs. The chairman got to know about it and wanted to take a drastic action to correct the decision; however, someone gave him a wise counsel. He was told to keep quite on the issue list the staffs start treating the future decisions of the managing director with discontent; he was taught how to get the desired change he wants yet not allowing the staffs to disrespect their leader. Today the discontent had died down and work as gone on in full gear with both parties been winners.

Never support your children against your wife in their present; if you do this, you are disrespecting her and the harm you will have done will have a boomerang effect on you too. If you turn your children against their mum, they will eventually come to treat you too with disrespect and they may become never do well in life. This is a story that someone told me about his elder brother Chukwudi…

Chukwudi was the only son of the family; the 2nd of the four children their parents have. He was the love of my of life of their father; he made it obvious to everyone of his other children that he was their dad’s favorite. He will do things that others will do and get away with it while they get smacked for it; their dad will scream blue murder if he (Chukwudi) complains that their mum as much as smacked him. Several times he had gone to his (Chukwudi) school to warn his teachers not to ever lay hands on his son.

Chukwudi became quite spoilt; he always wants his way and often has it. He knows how to get through to daddy, to get back at mummy. He will bring things home that are not his; his mum will complain, but his dad will accept the explanations he gives. When he became much older their dad discovered that his money was getting missing; he would point accusing fingers to everyone except his beloved son.

Their dad is now aged and Chukwudi is nothing to write home about; all of his siblings are graduates, but he still roams the streets aimlessly living on their parents even at their old age. Today, he has been declared wanted for duping someone of the sum well over two million naira. Their dad on several occasions had been picked by the police when they came in search of their brother for one misdeed or the other within the neighborhood. He now lives in regret on what his son had turned out to be.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

Legacies every father should leave for their children 1

Over 19 years ago, I can remember my mum saying to me, the greatest legacy that I can give you is education. Up till date many parents believe that that is the best inheritance to leave a child; so lots of investment is put into getting their children in good schools and a lot of celebration is made when they come out with good grades. However, what I discover is that good grades don’t guarantee a well paying job.

In this days of global melt down leaving the price of shares crashing, many parents that have invested in stocks as part of the legacy they will leave for their children will be in a state of dilemma now. Coupled with buildings that are brought down to make Lagos a mega city, some of those that got buildings that have been demolish have nothing left. I was in a bus once when the conductor was lamenting that the inheritance his dad left for him had been brought down and his yearly rent (income) has come to an end (he didn’t however mention why the building was pulled down, but that the Lagos state governor had done great injustice to him).

The things that I have mention are good legacies; however, I feel that there are others that our parents didn’t look at that are legacies that they may or may not have bequeathed to their children. That is one reason I feel I should write on this issue so that we the present generation of fathers will learn and become a little better than our fathers. Here are some of the legacies I feel are essential that a father should pass to his children…

A life of dedication to ones religion- The first of all legacies a father should bequeath his children is a life dedicated to the religion he chooses as his own. Many horrid things I would have done in life if not for the practice of the religion my parents uphold from when I was young. We were practically dragged to church and made to join groups; I will never forget my choir days (please don’t get me to sing now).

Every father must not just make their children active in their religion, they also should do the same. Children learn by example more than from been compelled to anything. However, I feel I should add this; parents should avoid their children getting into the extremes of their religion.

If a child don’t have reverence for his Maker from his youth, it’s easy for him/her to turn out wrong in life. I once read of children who inherited million of dollars, yet ended up committing suicide. Give your children sound religion first before giving them cash.

Love their mum- I feel the 2nd legacies every father needs to leave their children is that he loved their mum. I will never forget a saying that I came across once; someone said ‘do your children a favor; love their mum.’ Love is not just ensuring that all of the needs of the family are met; it’s about respecting her in the presence of your children.

The world view of children on how to relate with people and especially the opposite sex starts from the way they see their father relate with their mum. I will never forget the question session of a singles meeting I was a guest minister in. A you lady stood up and said to the whole house that she wasn’t going to allow herself go through hard times with any man because they are not worth it. She had developed a faulty mindset because her dad turns another leaf for the worse for them when he became financially buoyant.

Your children will naturally reflect who you are to their world; if they live seeing you bash their mum (you may think you have a tenable excuse for this), 70% of the times the male ones will also end up bashing their wives.

Relationship with them- The third legacy a father should leave for his children is that he has got to relate with them individually with their different uniqueness. I have met children who have relationship with their dads; they both sit down and talk like buddies with each showing a sense of respect for the other. Such children reflect so much confidence and boldness when relating with people.

Irrespective of your busy schedule as a father, you should find time to relate with your children. The memories of the good times they had with you will keep them going for years to come after you have left the world. Fathers should especially take the time to relate with their daughters so that they can have a world view of what a man should be and how they ought to comport themselves. Least all this rascally guys, sweet talk them into doing what they could have avoided if dad had been not just a father but a friend to them.

I feel that every father should stop a trend that was common in the past; that is a man is called the father of the world, because he is Mr. Nice and Mr. Philanthropist. Yet to his own children, he is but a stranger.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.relationship-daddy.blogspot.com

Legacies every father should leave for their children 2

In last week edition I wrote on the legacies that fathers should essentially leave for their children when they pass on to the other side of no return (death). I wrote on the need to see legacies beyond giving their children qualitative education or leaving behind assets alone because of circumstances that may be beyond their control that can erode them of the benefits we want them to have from it.

Here are some other legacies that I believe that every father should bequeath their children…

Guiding them in the path of purpose- The worse inheritance a father can leave his children is the one that will erode them of the purpose for their creation. There is nothing more terrible than letting your children live in the shadow of your dreams and aspiration for them instead of letting them be all that they can be.

One of the best things that you can do for your children in life is not to interfere into their lives beyond guiding them to be good people by teaching them how to responsibly behave in the world they have found themselves. If we as fathers see ourselves as the custodian of our children rather than their possessor, we will loosen up on the way we impose certain things on them.

I believe that purpose is the reason for creation not just sexual intercourse; if a child will not walk aimlessly in life trying to become what society will want to conform him/her to be, the dad of that child/children have to spend time to closely observe him/her. He should guide his child/children in the path that shows his dominate gifts rather than in paths that will boost his own ego.

Sow good seeds in the lives of people- When I wrote on this column an article tagged your action as a father can affect your children’s future dated march 7th 2009, I didn’t expect the kind of response I got from it. I had people calling and sending me text messages on the reality of that write up; their lives have experience a progression because their father had been responsible enough to sow a seed in the lives of not just their family but on people too. Seeds have a two way harvest; the one who sowed it will reap it and his lineage will also get the harvest of the seeds their parents sowed.

The legacy of favor and good will far outweighs any silver or gold that you may bequeath your children; some children didn’t get a penny after the death of their dad because he had no earthly riches, but got wealthy because the man left a seed of kindness, selflessness, care, respect, etc to people around him.

I feel every father should strive to live this legacy; they should also teach their children to follow in their path because what the society teaches is get all that you can, can all that you can and sit on the can. Every blessing is transferable; if you teach your children how you got the blessing you have, they also can head in that direction and get it to.

Don’t die intestate- I believe that if some dead people can see the havoc the wealth they left behind had caused between their children after their demise, they will turn in pain in their tomb. I have heard horrible events that happen when a man dies without leaving behind a will; some children have lost their lives because they want to get what belongs to them from their father’s property. I know someone that sold all of his parent’s property because his nephews couldn’t challenge him on it after the death of their parents.

A will is a legacy every father should bequeath his children; I don’t care how closely knitted your children are, please leave them a will to protect the unity between them. Be fair in the distribution of what belongs to you; even if you don’t appreciate some of the attitude of any of children, let them have what belongs to them so that they don’t constitute a thong in the flesh for the others.

Here is the story of young man I meant recently which I feel will help in passing his message to fathers that will read it; his name is John. We met when I went as a guest minister in a singles meeting and got talking. One thing led to the other; I asked him about his family and he began telling me a horrid experience him, his mum and sister went through after the death of their dad.

According to him; when his dad died, his family members were nice to the family until he was buried. They then began to share his property amongst themselves, in the end leaving them with nothing of their own. They gave his mum the option to get married to one of his sibling or take care of her children by herself; she chose the 2nd option. His mum had to do all manner of menial work to sustain the family; he could remember the pains his mum had gone.

His dad died intestate and his sibling who should protect the family he left behind became the wolves that devour what he had worked for in his life time.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.relationship-daddy.blogspot.com

Children learn what they live

In the final analysis it is not what you do to your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.~ Ann Landers

I checked the internet recently to get materials to write this column with; what I got was the following saying…

If children live with CRITICISM
They learn to CONDEMN
If children live with HOSTILITY
They learn to FIGHT
If children live with RIDICLE
They learn to BE SHY
If children live with SHAME
They learn to FEEL GUILTY
If children live with TOLERANCE
They learn to BE PATIENT
If children live with ENCOURAGEMENT
They learn to HAVE CONFIDENCE
If children live with PRAISE
They learn to APPRECIATE
If children live with FAIRNESS
They learn JUSTICE
If children live with SECURITY
They learn to have FAITH
If children live with APPROVAL
They learn to LIKE THEMSELVES
If children live with ACCEPTANCE and FRIENDSHIP
They learn to FIND LOVE IN THE WORLD

Note that what is said is, ‘if a child lives with…’ not ‘if a child is taught…’ Children learn mainly from interaction than been instructed vocally; they learn how to relate with people by the way they see daddy and mummy relate with one another. They also learn from the way daddy treats people around him; that many a time forms their world view on how they will relate with people.

Do the present fathers notice a trend of lawlessness about the children of today; like never before children are become lawless. I guess the reason is what dad is unconsciously teaching them to do; many dads preach love and respect for humanity to their children, yet they see them treat their staffs like a piece of trash. Many children are taught by their dad to be law abiding, yet daddy won’t put on his sit belt when driving. Many dads preach respect for life, yet will not climb the pedestrian bridge when crossing the express. Many dads preach justice and fair play, yet their children see debtors walk into their home and a father telling a fantastic lie to save his skin. Many fathers preach equality among humans, yet their children see them hold in disdain people of other culture. In the end they get confused because there is no correlation between what they are taught and the way their parents live.

We often breed children that are better than what we are as fathers (good or bad); you don’t need to look for whom to blame if your children are going hare wire. If you observe, you will discover that men in power and wealth often have children who are lawless; daddy is either too powerful or too rich to be caught by the law. They have been taught indirectly that the law is partial and that you can get away with anything. God help this nation if these children become leaders because they have been groom not to have respect for no one but for people of their social class.

How do you want your children to turn out as a father? Don’t just vocalize it to them, live it. It’s the way you live that your children will emulate in the long run, not what you try to hammer into them. This is what I learnt from a lady that I read her story in one of the dailies year back; her dad was an ex top shot in the police who was a strict disciplinarian but who lived an exemplary lives for his children. His daughter spoke so proudly of him that when I read the interview she was granted, I taught he was out of this world.

Instead of we fathers trying to instill information on our children like a school teacher that writes on the board and make the children to keep repeating what he wants the children to know; all we should do is live the live we preach first, and then get it to them. My son has learnt over time that when he gets into the car and he is sitting in the front seat, he must put on his sit belt because that is what daddy does first when he gets into the car. We even compete for who will put it on first (he wins most of the time); whenever he doesn’t want to strap it on, he sits at the back.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

A dad or school teacher, which are you?

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. ~ George Herbert

Children don’t become what we taught them to be, rather they turn up the way we are. If you ever meet an inconsistent child who tells lies at will, you don’t need to go far, just visit his/her home and you will discover that they are a reflection of their parents. Many a time parents shy a way from the responsibility of admitting that they are to blame for what their children turned out to be; they put the blame on everyone else but themselves. The rule of life is, if you point an accusing finger on some one for the predicament that you have found yourself, four points back to you saying that you are also the architect of your fortune and miss fortune. Fathers especially put the blame on their wives. According to them, she should have taken care of the home while he goes out to make all of the millions required to meet the needs of the family.

I said to a newly wedded husband recently; I told him that if any marriage collapses, I will put 70% of the blame on the man. The reason is because a man was created to be logical, while the woman acts primarily out of their emotions. It’s when men act out of negative emotions that temporarily blinds his mind, that so much harm is done which many a time he comes to regret it. Permit me to say to fathers who will be opportune to read this column, that if your children become wayward and a no good to the society, I will put 70% of the fault on you. Prove me wrong; go to ghettos that you find young men living who had run a way from home and interview them. You will discover that not less than 70% of them will point the blame on a father who didn’t responsibly took care of them. Such is the sad story of Aliu who ran away from home years back…

His mum died when she was giving birth to him and he grew under the care of his father. However, event took another course for him when his dad got married to another wife. Before they got married, his dad’s intended treated him with lot of love and she dots around him. He became fond of her not knowing that a stage was been set up by her to get into their home. After she had her way, things became worse for him because she began ill treating him whenever his dad isn’t around. She practically starves him when his dad travels out of town; to make matters worse his dad don’t even pay him attention like in the past, his step siblings seems to be the center of his love.

His dad traveled abroad year back and not long afterwards he ran away from home because of the way he was maltreated. He traveled down to Lagos and for some time lived under one of the bridges in the city; luck seems to shine upon him when a philanthropist got speaking with him and discovered that he was intelligent. He proposed to help him improve on this live based on the condition that he will work for him; he was true to his promise though this weren’t as easy living with him too. Today, he is a graduate working in one of the financial institution. He has made peace with his dad and his step mum; presently he is paying the school fees of two of his siblings, yet deep inside of him there is a child inside that cries for the love of a father he never got when he was growing up.

It’s easy to feel proud any time your family is blessed with a new child, but if you will feel proud about them years latter, there is need to actively participate in their upbringing not leaving the role to their mother alone. I observe a trend after counseling singles and those that are married, that when a male child doesn’t have an authority figure in their lives (there father), are excessively emotional. They complain and act many a time out of their primary essence (logic) which puts them in charge.

It’s time for every dad that reads this column to rise up to their responsibility; not just giving commands and acting like a school teacher who writes on the board and gives assignments. We all should start checking out the mirror, not looking for how young we still look; we should rather look deep within, to examine our lives and see what we need to change or improve on to make our children better ones both now and in the future. Our children will eventually become our reflection 70% of the time except they decide not to end up like a father that they consider irresponsible. My question is who are you? Are you worthy of emulation?

Parenting starts will both parents been responsible and actively involve in the upbringing of their children; the man of the house especially shouldn’t take a passive role in the raising his children, rather he should play a prominent role in their lives until they become all that he desires them to be.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

Please let your children discover the genius in them

LAUNCELOT It is a wise father that knows his own child.- William Shakespeare

I know that every father wants the best for their children; we desire that they become great in life. Who will not want to be recognized as the president’s father, the dad of the celebrated surgeon, or the dad of a senior advocate of Nigeria. That will make us real proud won’t it? I guess it will; but the question is, will it make our children find fulfillment in life? The answer in most cases will be a no.

The reality is that often times, fathers especially want to live their unfulfilled dreams through their children, or they want to continue a legacy in the family to maintain a family business and tradition. So you will find lots of grown up men who are doing jobs that they are not happy with simply because they want to please daddy. Year in year out, children are forced to adopt the career choice of their parents. I guess another reason parents do this, is because they also believe that their children are not matured to make such critical decision about their lives themselves alone at that stage of their lives.

I heard the story of a young man years ago; who graduated as a medical practitioner with distinctions, he was celebrated by all because many wanted to be like him. On the day of graduation, when he was called as one of the best student, instead of giving an oratory speak as much expected by the university authority, his friends, and parents, he boasted out crying. It wasn’t the cry of joy, but that of deep sorrow and it made his parents really embarrassed.

After the whole event, his dad called him to reprimand him for embarrassing them in such a way in the sight of all the people. His word to him was that, all of his life he has done his bidding that his dad should give him the freedom to do what he loves to do with his life. He handed over his certificate to him, and he opted to be a musician.

I believe that we are custodian of those children, and we should give them the opportunity to fulfill the purpose for their creation. Outside of that purpose they will fill like a prisoner all through their lives; I know it’s natural to be protective, but as fathers we should seek the good in our children by letting them discover themselves and then trust them enough to allow them make decisions of their own. Provided they have not chosen the evil way as a profession; we should encourage them to become all that they are passionate to become.

The following are the result that will get from imposing your choice of career on your children…

You will be fulfilled- You will get fulfillment been the dad of a successful academician, but that is really been selfish. You will have gotten your dreams fulfilled but at the expense of your children discovering who they are created to be, which is the best that they can ever become in life.

They may end up with poor grade- Lots of children are struggling to survive in many tertiary institutions in the country because they applied for a profession that they have no flair for, neither do they have the required intelligent quotient to cope with the required course outline.

I met John recently who was studying mechanical engineering in one of the tertiary institution in Nigeria; he was so frustrated with the course that he would have walked out if not for the feeling of disappointing his dad that he has. His grades are nothing to be written home about; if some miracles don’t happen, he may be required by the university authority to either drop out of the institution or pick a career path that is less than engineering

They will never really be fulfilled in life- James Russell Lowell said, ‘Nature fits all of her children with something to do. He, who would write and can’t write, can surely review.’ I would rather say that every one of us is a grand design of a being called God (do bear with me; my opinion is from my Christian belief) who created us to fulfill specific purposes here on earth and has endowed us with different potential to fulfill what we have been created to do.

True fulfillment is pursuing your purpose with a passion, and not fulfilling the dreams of others; many children are trapped in family tradition of having accountants, doctors, etc just to make a family business a growing concern.

I am not saying that dads shouldn’t be concerned about the future prospect of their children; I however, believe that the best way to guide them is to help them discover themselves and the ability that they are endowed with. We should them help them to pursue things that brings out the zest in them.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

A call to fathers.

I didn’t know that my life was going to take as much drastic change as it has 4 years ago when we had our first son; never did I imagine that my name will be changed to daddy Alex (an acronym for Alex, dad; in the Yoruba culture parents are often called by the name of their first child). I heard people call my dad by the name of my brother, yet it never crossed my mind that some day people will get traditional with me too. The more I tell people to call me by my name (Femi), the more some scream daddy Alex. To this few, I have resigned my fate that nothing I ever say can make them stop calling me by the name of my first son.

My wife is an interesting woman; ever since we started dating, she has always called me by my name. Not darling, sweetheart and all that sweet names people call themselves when they get intimate; I really am a guy that ain’t fantastically emotional. However, after the birth of our first son, occasionally she would call me by his name. I had to pass it to her that I will like her to always call me by my name; when she does call me by the name of our first son, I tell myself I am in trouble (my conclusion is that she calls me that name when she wants to pass her mind on an issue, though she said it’s not true).

Couples who have grown up children are recognized in another dimension; they are called by the name of their child that is most successful. So you will likely hear a man been described as the father of the senator, engineer, managing director of XYZ bank; the man may even wonder how he has suddenly become popular in the latter part of his life. The same goes for the scenario if one of the children of the man is the don of the bad guys in the neighborhood, the notorious criminal that the police are looking for, the serial killer that has just been put away, etc.

I have come to discover that the reputation of a father is enhanced by the outcome of the way he brought up his children; even if he has achieved so much, the same society that celebrates him will shout crucify him if his children turned out to be a menace to them. Yes, there will be the blame game if child turns out to be a criminal, prostitute, murderer, etc; yet four of the five fingers will point at the parents for poor parenting. The man of the house however, will be blamed the most for his poor parenting skill. I feel this is one of the key reasons that men should brace up, rise up and take up their responsibility before it becomes too late to make any positive impact on the life of their children. The active participation of every father in the upbringing of their child is of utmost importance; men shouldn’t leave this role solely in the hands of their wives.

The story of a famous serial killer called Jeffrey Dahmer is one of a story that every father should note; he was born in West Allis, Wisconsin in May 21, 1960. Reports have it that when he was young, he dissected dead animals and by his teenage years was an alcoholic loner. He was one of the worst serial killer that ever lived; the following are the inventories that were found in his apartment when he was arrested- several corpses were stored in acid- filled vats, several heads were found in his refrigerator, and human skulls were found in his closet. He was accused for practicing necrophilia (sexual desire for dead bodies: sexual feelings for and sexual acts with dead bodies) and cannibalism. He was found guilty for 15 counts of murder and was sentenced to 15 life terms totaling 957 years in prison. He was later severely beaten by a fellow inmate and died of several head trauma in the ambulance while been taken to the hospital.

What I find interesting was the comment of his parents; their words are… they had no idea what their son was up to, and they blame themselves after the fact, if they had noticed he played with bones as a child, may be they could have gotten him help in time. Though I feel for them yet I really don’t accept their statement as true; they may not have seen him dissect dead animals, but they can’t deny that they didn’t see traces of violence and a disturbed child right from when he was young. They either ignored it, or they tried to beat it off him; the result of taking the second step for him would have been to act like a good boy at home.

Home here in Nigeria; we have people like Anini the notorious armed robber, Clifford the cannibal, etc. Where are their family members? I guess they are alive, yet none of them will want to be associated with them. The society would have stigmatized them and in the end the decision they would likely taken was to change their surname: who will like to be asked, are you Anini’s brother because you bear the same surname.

Who will get blamed the most amongst the parents if one of their children becomes a serial killer, an armed robber, a prostitute, and a fraudster? The father or mother of the child? I believe the society will scream crucify him more on the father than the mum; so this is a call to fathers to take up their responsibilities at home. Not just providing the means of livelihood alone, but also standing as one whom the children can look up to.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 07040725629
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

Fathers should watch the words they use on their children

Over 90% of prison inmates were told by their parents while growing up ‘they’re going to end in jail.- Evangelist Bill Glass

I watched on Dstv a talent show recently; in the talent show, there were three judges, two were male and one a female. What ensued when a young girl came to perform was what led to the writing of this article; one of the male judges was very frank but that led to a clash between him and the other female judge who felt he was to harsh in his judgment.

He spoke to her like one of the grown ups that came to perform; that was not the best approach for a child and that made the female judge cry out foul. He eventually approached the lady later in a manner that was okay; but that got me thinking. Even as a grown up I find that when people throw wrong words at me, it takes days to shake it off. Believe me, people have really said things in demeaning manner, and some of them are people that I expect should be discrete with how they put things because of the position they hold and the level of maturity they have attained.

Every father, if they ruminate on the past will tell you one or two demeaning statements that people had said to them that still hurt till date. I feel that if you have gone through, you should be careful then how you use words on your children, because they will shape their lives just as words had shaped theirs. I believe that smacking children don’t lead to low self esteem as many psychologist have concluded; I believe that what leads to low self esteem are words that are continually on children.

Children are people that care should be taken to use words on, especially by their parents. Show me children that succeed with a life that appears that they are lucky; I will show you children that their fathers were careful on the words they used on them. I observe this watching people who curse their children at will and use all manner of demeaning names on them, and compared them to children that their parents are careful with words; my discovery is that despite the fact that children that parents use wrongs words on seems to be full of life and more intelligent, yet they seems not to keep finding live difficult.

Here is a story that best buttress this…

John grew up in a home that his parents curse their children with impunity and use words that are demeaning on them; he can’t seems to remember a day go by with him or any of his siblings get one or two demeaning words used on them by their parents. They also fight a lot with one another with the loser taking his/her pounding on them.

For a long time, he found it difficult to mix up with his pears in school; neither did he allow anyone to coming visiting him at home. His performing in school was a little above average, despite the fact inside he felt he could do better. The needed miracle came when he got into university and consciously took serious his faith in God; that was what made him to see life in a better perspective than what he knew from that of his parents. He was very careful on the choice of a partner he picked as wife; one criteria he watched out for was a woman that irrespective of the emotional turmoil she is going through can order her words right.

Today, he is married with two children; he is also conscious of the way he relates with them knowing that just as words almost destroyed him, it will also have the same effect on them.

A Nigerian says, ‘Eyin lo ro, ti oro ba jab o, ko se ko.’ It literally means, words are like egg, once it is expressed like the egg that was dropped accidentally it can’t be gathered again. When using words on them; we should careful consider their feelings; the truth is that most of us fathers don’t really know how much human our children are. We really have not come to the terms that every of our actions affect their outlook on life and themselves. We talk to them as if they are a thing; yet they are grown ups in the body of a child and with a mind that is coming to terms with their world.

You have likely read the rhyme, humpty dumpty said on the wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall, all the kings men and all the kings horses could not put humpty dumpty together again. That rhyme clearly shows what happens when you use wrong words on your children; like humpty dumpty, there are parts of that child’s life that will not be put together again, except a miracle happens just as it took a miracle of his faith in God for John to develop a healthy self esteem and to view life from a different perspective. Why allow your children to go through unnecessary stress in life, when you can pay the price of simply ordering your words right.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

Father and children connection 2

Do you believe in the law of seed time and harvest time? The law states that your actions are seeds that will bring back an harvest in your life in multiple fold beyond the seed you have sown. In natural issues, if you plant a bean seed; when it matures, it will produce far more than the single seedling you planted.

Whatever you sow is what you will reap; it clearly shows that there is nothing you do that you will not get a harvest for. A friend once said to me, you can do a thing and it may be hidden only for a while; however, the harvest of that action is sure. This is the guiding principle that I hold in life that guides my actions; I have seen in the little time that I have spent alive that there is always a boomerang effect of every action that a person indulge in.

I have also discovered that there is a link between a father and his children; the action of a father vibrates not only on him but on his lineage. You can prove me wrong temporary, but in the long run, you will discover that I am right. How do one explain this; I really don’t know without sounding like a religious psycho to some of those who will be opportune to read this column. However, I real life instance, we accept that there is what is called hereditary diseases. A particular disease that is common in a particular family; some of this disease includes; heart problems, renal failure, psychosis, etc may be included amongst the few. When a patient comes up with this problems, one of the question you will hear the medical practitioner ask is, is it an hereditary disease? The reason is because they want to do more through check up on that patient.

I come from the Yoruba culture that believe that you should let your child get married into any family lineage that have hereditary diseases such as madness and leprosy. They believe that such traits will be passed to their on line, so people who have such are often stigmatized even in the present age of modern medical care for hereditary diseases. The emphasis of this column is parenting; I believe that parenting starts with two people who are married living a responsible lifestyle. One truth that is that the children reap the harvest of their fathers’ deeds and misdeeds.

Why is my emphasis on the fathers; I believe that once the man of the house can get things right, it’ll naturally have a spiral effect on his children. The man is the spiritual head of the family; the one placed to be in charge to govern the home. Life flows from him to every member of his family more than from the wife to the rest of the family. His actions have a spiral effect on the family more than that of his wife; so he needs to be properly guided on the consequences of his actions and inactions both in his own life and in the life of his family.

Fathers that will be privilege to read this column, please live responsibly in reverence to God (if you believe that God exist) and respect for your fellow human being knowing fully well that he will not only reap what he sows alone but that posterity after him will either bless or curse him from his action.

A Yoruba adage says, ‘Kaka ki omo olore ji si ko to, mo na mo na a si ye iyanu.’ It means rather than for the child of a good man to fall into a pit in life, light will shine forth on his path to give him direction. I have enjoyed good will of people in many areas of my life, not because I deserve them, but I discover that certain influences take charge that makes it happen.

I will like to share with you the story of a young lad who enjoyed an unprecedented favor wherever he finds himself. Tolu, discovered early in life that people just naturally favor him; where doors are locked against others, they just seems to spring open for him. Right from his university days, his tuition fees was miraculously taken care off; just days before the final date of paying, someone will just put enough money in his hand that would be sufficient to clear the bill. After his university degree; he got what you will call a miracle job, not because he was the most brilliant but favor just seems to knock at his doors. He has heard people say; they don’t know why they just like him and do for him the things they. That was a mystery to him until he heard the story of his late dad.

The story of his dad was that of man that can give out what we call our last card (the last penny on him) to solve another persons problem. He wasn’t a rich man, but was very generous; he heard that his dad had helped paid school fees of students that would have been turned out because they couldn’t and today most ot them have become better people to the society. He would hear people call him by the name of his dad, and pray for him telling him how his dad had help them out of one challenge or the other when he was alife. He conclusion is that something about his dad’s good deed must have brought about the kind of luck he now enjoys.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

Father and children connection 1

Have you ever consider the fact that there is a connection between you and your children? Have you also considered that if a person desire to bring a negative outcome in the lives of children, they sometimes will do it through their dads? That is an issue that may be difficult for some dads to accept, but I feel that there is a link between what happens to a father and the outcome that is often seen in the lives of the children he gave birth to. If you observe carefully your dad, you will discover lots of him in you.

The analogy I will prefer to make use of for this issue is; if you want to ensure that the laid eggs don’t hatch, all you need do is to keep the mother hen away from them. Traditionally, it’s impossible for such eggs to hatch on their own, so they will naturally get bad if nothing is done about them so that they neither can hatch into young chicks nor are edible. I feel this is true when it comes to the relationship of a dad and his children; if you want to get through to the children all you need do is get through to their fathers and you can do whatever you want with them. Make a dad irresponsible, and naturally his children will trail after him except they have a strong willed mum who is determined to ensure they don’t take that path. However, she will not be successful to make them all as she may so desire.

Recently I had two dreams, and in each of them, I was sentenced to death. After the second dream, I screamed, I will not die but live to declare the works of the Lord and I rebuked death (do bear with me, I wrote this from my Christian background). The next day after the second dream, I fell really ill and had to get my self some medication. On the same day, my children had also fallen ill with malaria, and two days later one of them almost gave up the ghost if not for what I call divine intervention.

This got me thinking on the need for fathers to rise up to their role as the head of the family, and live responsibly. What we do with our lives will reflect in the lives of our children; so how we live will end up boomeranging on us through our children in the future. I feel that all fathers should take the time out to do more than giving money and buying gifts to their children; I feel that all fathers should take the time out to pray and watch the way they live because of their children.

Here is the story of Daniel to buttress this point…

At a point in my life, I discovered that I was impotent; I discover that I don’t have early morning hard on like my male counterparts. I just couldn’t understand why because there was no known hereditary sickness like that in my lineage; neither did my younger male brothers have such experience. I didn’t know how to share this with my dad initially because we weren’t that close; in the period that I grew up fathers are treated like gods, while wives and children like subjects. So I kept this quiet for many years until the point that it was inevitable that I get married.


Right from when I was young, people find me odd; I neither relate with the opposite sex nor date any because of the low self esteem that I had developed due to my medical challenge. I have heard all manner of comments that people make because of my singleness, at my age and the level of success that I have achieved over the years. One of the gossips that a dear friend told me he heard was that I must have used my organs for money making ritual.

In the year 2003, I summoned courage and discussed my situation with my pastor; after prayers he asked me to see my dad. I am to ask him what he did for me to be born; what he would say was the link and the key to unlocking the challenge I had kept for years. When I met my dad on the issue, he told me the story of my birth; he said that when mum was pregnant, she had difficulties giving birth to me and since medical treatment wasn’t the in thing in the village then, he opted to seen the voodoo priest for assistance. He was told to make some sacrifices, which he did but, he wasn’t told the consequence that will be the outcome. When he went to see another voodoo priest on the issue (the first one had died years ago), he was told that Daniel situation can’t be reversed.

Armed with this information, I went to see my pastor and I was prayed for; today I am married with two children of my own.

The father here took the option that was available to him, yet it had a negative impact on the life of his child. By the actions of the fathers, the children will be filled with favor or disfavor. I want to use this medium to reach out to fathers on the need to take great care in the decisions they make; it may seem like a harmless one like Daniel’s dad, but it may leave a lasting devastation on the life of their children.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405
www.heavenonearthmarriage.blogspot.com

A breather every father needs

Have you ever slept on your bed and it feels like the National stadium; you are all on your own because your family has gone on holiday. No honey pick up your son and rock him to sleep; no more daddy come and wash my bombom; no more daddy stay with me in my room, etc. You are just free to live your life once again as a single; it’s a breather.

However, after living on your own for few days you suddenly discover that it’s been quite a while that you have done some cooking last. You have to watch some of the stew that your wife prepared before she left gets spoilt and get thrown away. You have to do the clean up of your apartment, do the dishes and your laundries. Not long afterwards you discover that you miss your wife and the children that you first thank God went on holiday.

This is my story recently; my wife had gone out of Lagos to spend some of her maternity leave. She had gone with my all active first son and the house was really quite; I didn’t know how much their leaving will have on me until they had gone for four days. I cooked my long lost food that is common in my university days; rice with tomatoes, onion with other condiments. It tasted great at the beginning.

My first night on my bed all alone was like I alone on a football pitch; I freely turned from one end of the bed to another. My son wasn’t screaming, daddy I want to sleep in your room and on your bed. No child to wee-wee on the bed to cut down the space that I can turn on; no child to tell to sit down there at once.

All that will change because they will soon be back and life will continue; if I am to ruminate on my experience when they left, I will make this conclusion… every man need a breathing space but it shouldn’t be a limitless time frame. There are benefits attached to be without ones family if it’s properly taken advantaged of; if you can see the opportunity in every trip you take away from home, you can make use of it to your advantage.

Been alone gives you the opportunity to critically look at your parenting skilling as the head of the home; how much of the needs of your wife do you know and have met (parenting starts with your relationship with your partner), how has your relationship been doing over the years and what impact has it been in the lives of the children and you both. Don’t ever forget that your children are unconsciously understudying their parents; they can take advantage of the challenge you have with your wife to become manipulative.

Been alone also gives you the opportunity to really know your children individually; most fathers feel that the way they treat their children is the best. They expect the same outcome from equal impute they make in the lives of their children and they get worried when they don’t show the same level of appreciation for what they do to them. Some fathers don’t just understand their children; the feeling of frustration is often the outcome of this.

That is the situation John found himself when his children began to grow up; his daughter would want to take charge of the home while her younger ones want to subjugate her position as the older one in the family. John will hear them screaming at one another and lots of words are thrown in the process; he will mediate when they have their challenges but discover that after he had given his verdict on the issues between them, often times he discovered that it doesn’t go down well with his daughter. She will for days not jump on him when he comes back from the office, and will not behave in the enthusiastic way she does all through this period.

When his office held a retreat some months ago; he sat down in his room to think about how to make his relationship with his wife get better. The change in the mood of his daughter was of a concern to him; as he began to think on this issue he discovered that he hasn’t been fair in his expectation from her. She was less than 10 years and he expected her to be selfless and concerned about her younger ones in all she does first; he remember that whenever he tells her to give her toy to her brother who was crying because he wanted to play with it, though she complies with his instruction, it leaves her crying. He discovered that he was asking too much from his daughter for her age; the realization was an eye opener to his poor parenting skill.

I also have come to a realization during the period of been what I call married bachelor (been alone at home during the period my family travelled on holiday); that is, it’s better to be remembered as a good husband to ones wife and a fantastic father to ones children than to be remembered as the best man in the neighborhood because of ones act of kindness. Some men are greatly loved for their acts of kindness to the world but at the neglect of their wives and children. That is one outcome every father shouldn’t have after his life time here on earth is over.

Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com
+234(0)8037257479

Time for absentee fathers to return home

I was heading home some couple of weeks ago when I met a woman a lady who needed to find an address in my area; I was concerned for her because of the child she was backing and approached her to ask for the address she was going to find. I described the street to her and even volunteered to take her there. Her response was that she only wanted to know how to locate the place so that she can come with her family to see the man who was living in one of the apartment there.

Her story was what intrigued me to write this article; she told me she was out to look for the father of her first child who had abandon his role and had not bothered to look for his son for over 9 years. Her story is that of love turned sore with the child she had for him bearing the pain of the irresponsibility of the man that got her pregnant.

She met Lanre about 10 years ago; he had for over 6 months been asking her out for an intimate relationship which she didn’t give him a consent on until she felt he was really serious about the issue. After going through a heart breaks month earlier, she felt she should give herself some time out before getting into another relationship. When the relationship started, Lanre seems to be the sweetest man that had ever lived. He was always available, loving and who any lady would have loved to get involve with. They didn’t start getting involved sexually until she was sure that he was serious about getting married to her; which he emphatically affirms that he was willing to do. The love story changed when she got pregnant and he took her home to see his parents; they bluntly stood their ground that he shouldn’t get married to her because she wasn’t from the same state they came from.

Another event took his course when he discovered that her old lover was still getting in contact with her; he claimed that she was still getting involve with him and that he believes that he wasn’t the father of the child she was carrying. She was able to convince him through the medical report that showed the likely time she got pregnant, and at that time they had both travelled for week out of Lagos to see his best friend who got married. She went to find him at home after a period of time (the naming of the child of the child had already taken place), but discovered that he had changed location. She got to know about his new address when she met one of his friends some couple of weeks early who felt it was insensitive of him to have treated her the way he did.

Today she is married to another man, with two children for him; all she wants from Lanre is that he should take up his responsibility as a father to his son.

If you ask lots of children the where about of their dad; the likely answer you will get is, he is not at home. Children these days are more vocal and expressive; they air their minds easily. I will not be surprise if your child (ren) has asked their mother about the where about of their dad; the likely question that many mothers had been asked over and over again will be where daddy is? The reason I believe is, because they really need a fatherly attention, and that need is ingrained in the heart of every child.

I have been married for over five years; marriage itself is a journey that has its own challenges. Irrespective of how beautiful the relationship of two individuals may be, before they tie the knot, life just seems to take another swing afterwards. When challenges start in the home, the way most men choose to handle it, is the path of avoidance. They try as much as possible to avoid their partner; they rarely stay at home even when they are back early from the office.

Parenting starts with both parents knowing that they both need to be responsible for the healthy growth of their child(ren); it’s not enough to just buy them gifts as a bribe for the need you haven’t filled in their lives. They rather need your attention more than your gift. The mindset that you are still in the marriage for the sake of the children that lots of couples have never really bring out the best in their children; if your children will have a healthy life, both parents most work at making their marriage a success. If the parents are not married or divorce, each must take turn in the upbringing of their child(ren).

The goal of this article is to get the men to see the need to be more responsible in the upbringing of their child (ren); even if you aren’t married to their mother. The mindset that your child will come looking for you even if you tell his/her mother to go to hell is not ideal for the child’s’ upbringing. Children don’t really appreciate a man that turns up in the day of their traditional marriage looking all gorgeous but who hasn’t taken the time years back to get to know them and appreciate them for who they are. It’s time for fathers to take up their role rather leave it for the women to carry as a burden.

Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,

+234(0)8037257479

Girls crave their father’s love

I am a dad with two children; the last one came on the 24th of November, 2008. They are both good looking boys; scoring two goals with the result been male earned me the title the don. I also talk like a don; ask me about the sex of my child, and like a proud dad you will hear me say ‘na boy.’ A dear friend once said that even if I attempt another football match, the result will still be the same result.

I wish lots of the people who look at me with envy could see my heart; they will likely be surprised that deep inside I desire a female child. When my wife got pregnant with our first child, I prayed that it’ll be a girl. I tell anyone that will care to hear that I desire a female child as the first, many of the guys that heard me thought that I was crazy. One of the reasons I have for this may be because my younger sister seems to be more concern about her older brothers than the male for our self and even for her. I also observed that my aged grand dad died in our home and not in the house of his beloved son; my mum took care of him until he passed on to the heaven years ago though you could see clearly that her brother was his favorite.

I think a lot about old age; I really feel that I will grow up to a good old age and I have come to realize that many in-laws are not safe in the hands of their daughter in-law. The reality is that, it’s only very few wives that will treat their in-laws like their own parents. However, I have left the scoring to couples who still want to keep procreating for now jare.

I wish all prayers are answer; I will now have a daughter as the first child and a son as the second. However, whether by design, chromosome distribution by me or by a force beyond my control that has given me what I want (children) despite the fact that I had no control on their sex, I sure am grateful that I am blessed with them.

The story that I heard a lady tell really shows the heart desire of many children (female); they grave for the love of their father dearly. I heard a lady talk about her growing up years; her dad was never around and she can remember years back how he will walk into the house in some occasion practically taking up a fight with her mother that she wasn’t fit to be his wife because of inability to give him a son. It generated so much argument that afterwards he would storm out of the house not showing up for the next two days. Her mum later discovered that he was having an affair with a younger lady with the goal of having a son. Fortunately for her mum, she didn’t get pregnant until the relationship between them came to an end.

Her mum eventually got pregnant after two children, but her dad never seems to care about her all through the period that she was pregnant. His reason was that she was carrying another female child; it was when she gave birth and it turned out to be his much desire child (son) that things between him and her mum improved. However, the same can’t be said for her and her other sisters. Her father treated them like second class citizens in their home; he rarely attends to them, even when he does, it was with the feeling of been disturbed. Her brother’s case was different, he was a spoilt brat; her dad practically spoilt him with gifts and give him all that he desires.

It took the intervention of his family members and friends before he decided to pay for their university tuition fees; according to him, why pay so much on a child that will end up in another man’s house. Today her and sister are both graduates, with good jobs and married. Her brother however, has dropped out of two universities because of his poor grades; he was able to come out with a lower credit in the Polytechnic he eventually gained admission into after her dad paid so much money for him to be admitted. The sad news is that her brother has been declared wanted by the police for the number of debts he owed in the business dealings he got into; her dad is heart broken by the way his son behaves and doesn’t know his where about till date.

Though her dad never said in clear terms that he was sorry for the way he treated her and her sister, yet she could sense it in his words and behavior towards them. She finds it difficult to even relate with him; so much has happened in their growing up years that she is finding difficult to let go. She however, is doing her best for her parents to be taken cared of at their old age.

What will have happened if all of my children are female? I would have loved them with all of my heart; I hold an opinion that comes from my Christian believe that everyone was born for a purpose and it’s by a deliberate act of the Supreme Being that everyone came into existence. It’s the fulfillment of purpose that gives you a name that will outlive you and not posterity that lots of men consider as the key.

To men reading this article, there is a need to stop stigmatizing your female children; they crave for a fatherly care and love than you can ever imagine. They need your attention; no lady will be expressive to her estranged father at his old age, it’s time that you take a u-turn in your behavior to them. Remember that they are a blessing from God that some are craving for because years after marriage they are still childless.

Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479

Being a good dad starts from day

I once asked a young man who his wife put to bed recently, if he now knows how to put on diapers for his new born baby. His response was; it’s the woman’s job. So there are jobs assigned primarily for women in the perspective of some men; part of that job includes doing the laundry and majorly the upbringing of the children. Why learn how to fix diapers when the wife is there, is the song you will hear from most fathers; thank God for the modern day were napkins isn’t as desirable for the modern day mothers. It’ll have been worse because the women will have to do the washing so that it’ll be clean and healthy for the use of the child.

I remember when our first son was born four years ago; I picked up my bundle of joy and kissed him. I have become a dad, and was all excited about the feeling. I later learnt that been a dad is not just been called one alone; I saw my wife do things in the house; go to work and come back to a routine life again. That can be very boring, so I decided to give a helping hand to the degree that I was permitted.

I wasn’t allowed to bath him nor wash his gum (no teeth); I had limits on his clothing that I can do the laundry. I wasn’t allowed to breast feed him neither (the mum has the sole prerogative to do that); but I was allowed to change his diapers when he was much older and to rock him gently until he goes to sleep. My wife will wake me up severally times in the night to rock him to sleep after he has done eating; I just hold him and do a gently dance until he goes to bed.

Cleaning is buttocks after peeing and messing his diapers was a messy job at the beginning; the smell can some times knock you out cold. I remember those days like yesterday; exciting and tiring too. I look forward to those days soon; my second son is just a few days old as at the time of writing this article. The only thing I have been allowed to do so far is to rock him to sleep or pick him up so that his mum and grand mum can get other things done in the house. My first son still screams after using the toilet; daddy, come and wash my bombom. I even joking tell him that I am not a bombom washer, and he will respond that you are.

I will like to share a sad story of a father who is now in jail because he didn’t control his temper when his wife angrily told him to take his turn in taking care of his daughter; he threw a punch; she slumped and died.

One of the elders (John) of the local assembly called his member to help him see reasons why he shouldn’t throw tantrum when he is angry with his wife; he out of experience told him of the story of Kunle who is serving a life imprisonment sentence. Kunle was a friend he knew as a child; though very friendly, his weakness is his anger. Once he is angry, it’s difficult to make him see reasons until he has broken something.

When he got married to Yemi 29 years ago, everyone seems to believe he had found a perfect partner; she was cool headed and not the type that you will hear her voice raised. They got married and everyone that knew Kunle counted him lucky to have found such a lovely lady; his area went agog with fun because there were lots of drinks and food served.

Not long when Yemi got pregnant, she rushed down to John’s place because her beloved husband has beaten her blue black. Her face was swollen and full of bruise; it was a miracle that she didn’t loose the pregnancy. He came begging and she agreed to move in with him; not long after their challenges was settle she gave birth to a lovely daughter. Every night when she cries, Kunle will practically kick her awake to keep her quiet not caring if she was fagged out because of the house hold work that she had been doing since he left for the office in the morning. One of those nights when he kicked her to take care of their daughter, she cracked; she began screaming at him to go pick her up and play his role as a father instead of just claiming the right of a dad. Despite his threatening, she didn’t get bothered by it. As she got up to leave him and their child alone in the room, he stood at the door to stop her; one thing led to another and Kunle seems to go wild with anger. He began punching her until she slumped; out of rage he left the house. When he came back hours later, he noticed she hadn’t left the spot she fell down when he threw her the last punch. By the time he picked her up, she was dead.

He was tried for murder and was sentenced to life imprisonment; his daughter is now grown up and married. His regret today is that he didn’t learn to deal with his anger and he wished he had just picked his daughter that night rather than punch his wife. He has spent over 25 years imprison so far.

Every dad should play his role in making his family pressure free; women really need the help of their husband in taking care of their children. It’s easy for a man to get home; throw down his coat, order for his food and sit down to watch Chelsea and Arsenal play while mummy do the running around, the screaming and the spanking. I feel that isn’t fair on the women; acting as a dad don’t start when your children are all grown up, they need you to wash their bumbum and put on their diapers now.

Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479