A breather every father needs

Have you ever slept on your bed and it feels like the National stadium; you are all on your own because your family has gone on holiday. No honey pick up your son and rock him to sleep; no more daddy come and wash my bombom; no more daddy stay with me in my room, etc. You are just free to live your life once again as a single; it’s a breather.

However, after living on your own for few days you suddenly discover that it’s been quite a while that you have done some cooking last. You have to watch some of the stew that your wife prepared before she left gets spoilt and get thrown away. You have to do the clean up of your apartment, do the dishes and your laundries. Not long afterwards you discover that you miss your wife and the children that you first thank God went on holiday.

This is my story recently; my wife had gone out of Lagos to spend some of her maternity leave. She had gone with my all active first son and the house was really quite; I didn’t know how much their leaving will have on me until they had gone for four days. I cooked my long lost food that is common in my university days; rice with tomatoes, onion with other condiments. It tasted great at the beginning.

My first night on my bed all alone was like I alone on a football pitch; I freely turned from one end of the bed to another. My son wasn’t screaming, daddy I want to sleep in your room and on your bed. No child to wee-wee on the bed to cut down the space that I can turn on; no child to tell to sit down there at once.

All that will change because they will soon be back and life will continue; if I am to ruminate on my experience when they left, I will make this conclusion… every man need a breathing space but it shouldn’t be a limitless time frame. There are benefits attached to be without ones family if it’s properly taken advantaged of; if you can see the opportunity in every trip you take away from home, you can make use of it to your advantage.

Been alone gives you the opportunity to critically look at your parenting skilling as the head of the home; how much of the needs of your wife do you know and have met (parenting starts with your relationship with your partner), how has your relationship been doing over the years and what impact has it been in the lives of the children and you both. Don’t ever forget that your children are unconsciously understudying their parents; they can take advantage of the challenge you have with your wife to become manipulative.

Been alone also gives you the opportunity to really know your children individually; most fathers feel that the way they treat their children is the best. They expect the same outcome from equal impute they make in the lives of their children and they get worried when they don’t show the same level of appreciation for what they do to them. Some fathers don’t just understand their children; the feeling of frustration is often the outcome of this.

That is the situation John found himself when his children began to grow up; his daughter would want to take charge of the home while her younger ones want to subjugate her position as the older one in the family. John will hear them screaming at one another and lots of words are thrown in the process; he will mediate when they have their challenges but discover that after he had given his verdict on the issues between them, often times he discovered that it doesn’t go down well with his daughter. She will for days not jump on him when he comes back from the office, and will not behave in the enthusiastic way she does all through this period.

When his office held a retreat some months ago; he sat down in his room to think about how to make his relationship with his wife get better. The change in the mood of his daughter was of a concern to him; as he began to think on this issue he discovered that he hasn’t been fair in his expectation from her. She was less than 10 years and he expected her to be selfless and concerned about her younger ones in all she does first; he remember that whenever he tells her to give her toy to her brother who was crying because he wanted to play with it, though she complies with his instruction, it leaves her crying. He discovered that he was asking too much from his daughter for her age; the realization was an eye opener to his poor parenting skill.

I also have come to a realization during the period of been what I call married bachelor (been alone at home during the period my family travelled on holiday); that is, it’s better to be remembered as a good husband to ones wife and a fantastic father to ones children than to be remembered as the best man in the neighborhood because of ones act of kindness. Some men are greatly loved for their acts of kindness to the world but at the neglect of their wives and children. That is one outcome every father shouldn’t have after his life time here on earth is over.

Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com
+234(0)8037257479