Have you ever slept on your bed and it feels like the National stadium; you are all on your own because your family has gone on holiday. No honey pick up your son and rock him to sleep; no more daddy come and wash my bombom; no more daddy stay with me in my room, etc. You are just free to live your life once again as a single; it’s a breather.
However, after living on your own for few days you suddenly discover that it’s been quite a while that you have done some cooking last. You have to watch some of the stew that your wife prepared before she left gets spoilt and get thrown away. You have to do the clean up of your apartment, do the dishes and your laundries. Not long afterwards you discover that you miss your wife and the children that you first thank God went on holiday.
This is my story recently; my wife had gone out of Lagos to spend some of her maternity leave. She had gone with my all active first son and the house was really quite; I didn’t know how much their leaving will have on me until they had gone for four days. I cooked my long lost food that is common in my university days; rice with tomatoes, onion with other condiments. It tasted great at the beginning.
My first night on my bed all alone was like I alone on a football pitch; I freely turned from one end of the bed to another. My son wasn’t screaming, daddy I want to sleep in your room and on your bed. No child to wee-wee on the bed to cut down the space that I can turn on; no child to tell to sit down there at once.
All that will change because they will soon be back and life will continue; if I am to ruminate on my experience when they left, I will make this conclusion… every man need a breathing space but it shouldn’t be a limitless time frame. There are benefits attached to be without ones family if it’s properly taken advantaged of; if you can see the opportunity in every trip you take away from home, you can make use of it to your advantage.
Been alone gives you the opportunity to critically look at your parenting skilling as the head of the home; how much of the needs of your wife do you know and have met (parenting starts with your relationship with your partner), how has your relationship been doing over the years and what impact has it been in the lives of the children and you both. Don’t ever forget that your children are unconsciously understudying their parents; they can take advantage of the challenge you have with your wife to become manipulative.
Been alone also gives you the opportunity to really know your children individually; most fathers feel that the way they treat their children is the best. They expect the same outcome from equal impute they make in the lives of their children and they get worried when they don’t show the same level of appreciation for what they do to them. Some fathers don’t just understand their children; the feeling of frustration is often the outcome of this.
That is the situation John found himself when his children began to grow up; his daughter would want to take charge of the home while her younger ones want to subjugate her position as the older one in the family. John will hear them screaming at one another and lots of words are thrown in the process; he will mediate when they have their challenges but discover that after he had given his verdict on the issues between them, often times he discovered that it doesn’t go down well with his daughter. She will for days not jump on him when he comes back from the office, and will not behave in the enthusiastic way she does all through this period.
When his office held a retreat some months ago; he sat down in his room to think about how to make his relationship with his wife get better. The change in the mood of his daughter was of a concern to him; as he began to think on this issue he discovered that he hasn’t been fair in his expectation from her. She was less than 10 years and he expected her to be selfless and concerned about her younger ones in all she does first; he remember that whenever he tells her to give her toy to her brother who was crying because he wanted to play with it, though she complies with his instruction, it leaves her crying. He discovered that he was asking too much from his daughter for her age; the realization was an eye opener to his poor parenting skill.
I also have come to a realization during the period of been what I call married bachelor (been alone at home during the period my family travelled on holiday); that is, it’s better to be remembered as a good husband to ones wife and a fantastic father to ones children than to be remembered as the best man in the neighborhood because of ones act of kindness. Some men are greatly loved for their acts of kindness to the world but at the neglect of their wives and children. That is one outcome every father shouldn’t have after his life time here on earth is over.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com
+234(0)8037257479
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Time for absentee fathers to return home
I was heading home some couple of weeks ago when I met a woman a lady who needed to find an address in my area; I was concerned for her because of the child she was backing and approached her to ask for the address she was going to find. I described the street to her and even volunteered to take her there. Her response was that she only wanted to know how to locate the place so that she can come with her family to see the man who was living in one of the apartment there.
Her story was what intrigued me to write this article; she told me she was out to look for the father of her first child who had abandon his role and had not bothered to look for his son for over 9 years. Her story is that of love turned sore with the child she had for him bearing the pain of the irresponsibility of the man that got her pregnant.
She met Lanre about 10 years ago; he had for over 6 months been asking her out for an intimate relationship which she didn’t give him a consent on until she felt he was really serious about the issue. After going through a heart breaks month earlier, she felt she should give herself some time out before getting into another relationship. When the relationship started, Lanre seems to be the sweetest man that had ever lived. He was always available, loving and who any lady would have loved to get involve with. They didn’t start getting involved sexually until she was sure that he was serious about getting married to her; which he emphatically affirms that he was willing to do. The love story changed when she got pregnant and he took her home to see his parents; they bluntly stood their ground that he shouldn’t get married to her because she wasn’t from the same state they came from.
Another event took his course when he discovered that her old lover was still getting in contact with her; he claimed that she was still getting involve with him and that he believes that he wasn’t the father of the child she was carrying. She was able to convince him through the medical report that showed the likely time she got pregnant, and at that time they had both travelled for week out of Lagos to see his best friend who got married. She went to find him at home after a period of time (the naming of the child of the child had already taken place), but discovered that he had changed location. She got to know about his new address when she met one of his friends some couple of weeks early who felt it was insensitive of him to have treated her the way he did.
Today she is married to another man, with two children for him; all she wants from Lanre is that he should take up his responsibility as a father to his son.
If you ask lots of children the where about of their dad; the likely answer you will get is, he is not at home. Children these days are more vocal and expressive; they air their minds easily. I will not be surprise if your child (ren) has asked their mother about the where about of their dad; the likely question that many mothers had been asked over and over again will be where daddy is? The reason I believe is, because they really need a fatherly attention, and that need is ingrained in the heart of every child.
I have been married for over five years; marriage itself is a journey that has its own challenges. Irrespective of how beautiful the relationship of two individuals may be, before they tie the knot, life just seems to take another swing afterwards. When challenges start in the home, the way most men choose to handle it, is the path of avoidance. They try as much as possible to avoid their partner; they rarely stay at home even when they are back early from the office.
Parenting starts with both parents knowing that they both need to be responsible for the healthy growth of their child(ren); it’s not enough to just buy them gifts as a bribe for the need you haven’t filled in their lives. They rather need your attention more than your gift. The mindset that you are still in the marriage for the sake of the children that lots of couples have never really bring out the best in their children; if your children will have a healthy life, both parents most work at making their marriage a success. If the parents are not married or divorce, each must take turn in the upbringing of their child(ren).
The goal of this article is to get the men to see the need to be more responsible in the upbringing of their child (ren); even if you aren’t married to their mother. The mindset that your child will come looking for you even if you tell his/her mother to go to hell is not ideal for the child’s’ upbringing. Children don’t really appreciate a man that turns up in the day of their traditional marriage looking all gorgeous but who hasn’t taken the time years back to get to know them and appreciate them for who they are. It’s time for fathers to take up their role rather leave it for the women to carry as a burden.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
Her story was what intrigued me to write this article; she told me she was out to look for the father of her first child who had abandon his role and had not bothered to look for his son for over 9 years. Her story is that of love turned sore with the child she had for him bearing the pain of the irresponsibility of the man that got her pregnant.
She met Lanre about 10 years ago; he had for over 6 months been asking her out for an intimate relationship which she didn’t give him a consent on until she felt he was really serious about the issue. After going through a heart breaks month earlier, she felt she should give herself some time out before getting into another relationship. When the relationship started, Lanre seems to be the sweetest man that had ever lived. He was always available, loving and who any lady would have loved to get involve with. They didn’t start getting involved sexually until she was sure that he was serious about getting married to her; which he emphatically affirms that he was willing to do. The love story changed when she got pregnant and he took her home to see his parents; they bluntly stood their ground that he shouldn’t get married to her because she wasn’t from the same state they came from.
Another event took his course when he discovered that her old lover was still getting in contact with her; he claimed that she was still getting involve with him and that he believes that he wasn’t the father of the child she was carrying. She was able to convince him through the medical report that showed the likely time she got pregnant, and at that time they had both travelled for week out of Lagos to see his best friend who got married. She went to find him at home after a period of time (the naming of the child of the child had already taken place), but discovered that he had changed location. She got to know about his new address when she met one of his friends some couple of weeks early who felt it was insensitive of him to have treated her the way he did.
Today she is married to another man, with two children for him; all she wants from Lanre is that he should take up his responsibility as a father to his son.
If you ask lots of children the where about of their dad; the likely answer you will get is, he is not at home. Children these days are more vocal and expressive; they air their minds easily. I will not be surprise if your child (ren) has asked their mother about the where about of their dad; the likely question that many mothers had been asked over and over again will be where daddy is? The reason I believe is, because they really need a fatherly attention, and that need is ingrained in the heart of every child.
I have been married for over five years; marriage itself is a journey that has its own challenges. Irrespective of how beautiful the relationship of two individuals may be, before they tie the knot, life just seems to take another swing afterwards. When challenges start in the home, the way most men choose to handle it, is the path of avoidance. They try as much as possible to avoid their partner; they rarely stay at home even when they are back early from the office.
Parenting starts with both parents knowing that they both need to be responsible for the healthy growth of their child(ren); it’s not enough to just buy them gifts as a bribe for the need you haven’t filled in their lives. They rather need your attention more than your gift. The mindset that you are still in the marriage for the sake of the children that lots of couples have never really bring out the best in their children; if your children will have a healthy life, both parents most work at making their marriage a success. If the parents are not married or divorce, each must take turn in the upbringing of their child(ren).
The goal of this article is to get the men to see the need to be more responsible in the upbringing of their child (ren); even if you aren’t married to their mother. The mindset that your child will come looking for you even if you tell his/her mother to go to hell is not ideal for the child’s’ upbringing. Children don’t really appreciate a man that turns up in the day of their traditional marriage looking all gorgeous but who hasn’t taken the time years back to get to know them and appreciate them for who they are. It’s time for fathers to take up their role rather leave it for the women to carry as a burden.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479
Girls crave their father’s love
I am a dad with two children; the last one came on the 24th of November, 2008. They are both good looking boys; scoring two goals with the result been male earned me the title the don. I also talk like a don; ask me about the sex of my child, and like a proud dad you will hear me say ‘na boy.’ A dear friend once said that even if I attempt another football match, the result will still be the same result.
I wish lots of the people who look at me with envy could see my heart; they will likely be surprised that deep inside I desire a female child. When my wife got pregnant with our first child, I prayed that it’ll be a girl. I tell anyone that will care to hear that I desire a female child as the first, many of the guys that heard me thought that I was crazy. One of the reasons I have for this may be because my younger sister seems to be more concern about her older brothers than the male for our self and even for her. I also observed that my aged grand dad died in our home and not in the house of his beloved son; my mum took care of him until he passed on to the heaven years ago though you could see clearly that her brother was his favorite.
I think a lot about old age; I really feel that I will grow up to a good old age and I have come to realize that many in-laws are not safe in the hands of their daughter in-law. The reality is that, it’s only very few wives that will treat their in-laws like their own parents. However, I have left the scoring to couples who still want to keep procreating for now jare.
I wish all prayers are answer; I will now have a daughter as the first child and a son as the second. However, whether by design, chromosome distribution by me or by a force beyond my control that has given me what I want (children) despite the fact that I had no control on their sex, I sure am grateful that I am blessed with them.
The story that I heard a lady tell really shows the heart desire of many children (female); they grave for the love of their father dearly. I heard a lady talk about her growing up years; her dad was never around and she can remember years back how he will walk into the house in some occasion practically taking up a fight with her mother that she wasn’t fit to be his wife because of inability to give him a son. It generated so much argument that afterwards he would storm out of the house not showing up for the next two days. Her mum later discovered that he was having an affair with a younger lady with the goal of having a son. Fortunately for her mum, she didn’t get pregnant until the relationship between them came to an end.
Her mum eventually got pregnant after two children, but her dad never seems to care about her all through the period that she was pregnant. His reason was that she was carrying another female child; it was when she gave birth and it turned out to be his much desire child (son) that things between him and her mum improved. However, the same can’t be said for her and her other sisters. Her father treated them like second class citizens in their home; he rarely attends to them, even when he does, it was with the feeling of been disturbed. Her brother’s case was different, he was a spoilt brat; her dad practically spoilt him with gifts and give him all that he desires.
It took the intervention of his family members and friends before he decided to pay for their university tuition fees; according to him, why pay so much on a child that will end up in another man’s house. Today her and sister are both graduates, with good jobs and married. Her brother however, has dropped out of two universities because of his poor grades; he was able to come out with a lower credit in the Polytechnic he eventually gained admission into after her dad paid so much money for him to be admitted. The sad news is that her brother has been declared wanted by the police for the number of debts he owed in the business dealings he got into; her dad is heart broken by the way his son behaves and doesn’t know his where about till date.
Though her dad never said in clear terms that he was sorry for the way he treated her and her sister, yet she could sense it in his words and behavior towards them. She finds it difficult to even relate with him; so much has happened in their growing up years that she is finding difficult to let go. She however, is doing her best for her parents to be taken cared of at their old age.
What will have happened if all of my children are female? I would have loved them with all of my heart; I hold an opinion that comes from my Christian believe that everyone was born for a purpose and it’s by a deliberate act of the Supreme Being that everyone came into existence. It’s the fulfillment of purpose that gives you a name that will outlive you and not posterity that lots of men consider as the key.
To men reading this article, there is a need to stop stigmatizing your female children; they crave for a fatherly care and love than you can ever imagine. They need your attention; no lady will be expressive to her estranged father at his old age, it’s time that you take a u-turn in your behavior to them. Remember that they are a blessing from God that some are craving for because years after marriage they are still childless.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479
I wish lots of the people who look at me with envy could see my heart; they will likely be surprised that deep inside I desire a female child. When my wife got pregnant with our first child, I prayed that it’ll be a girl. I tell anyone that will care to hear that I desire a female child as the first, many of the guys that heard me thought that I was crazy. One of the reasons I have for this may be because my younger sister seems to be more concern about her older brothers than the male for our self and even for her. I also observed that my aged grand dad died in our home and not in the house of his beloved son; my mum took care of him until he passed on to the heaven years ago though you could see clearly that her brother was his favorite.
I think a lot about old age; I really feel that I will grow up to a good old age and I have come to realize that many in-laws are not safe in the hands of their daughter in-law. The reality is that, it’s only very few wives that will treat their in-laws like their own parents. However, I have left the scoring to couples who still want to keep procreating for now jare.
I wish all prayers are answer; I will now have a daughter as the first child and a son as the second. However, whether by design, chromosome distribution by me or by a force beyond my control that has given me what I want (children) despite the fact that I had no control on their sex, I sure am grateful that I am blessed with them.
The story that I heard a lady tell really shows the heart desire of many children (female); they grave for the love of their father dearly. I heard a lady talk about her growing up years; her dad was never around and she can remember years back how he will walk into the house in some occasion practically taking up a fight with her mother that she wasn’t fit to be his wife because of inability to give him a son. It generated so much argument that afterwards he would storm out of the house not showing up for the next two days. Her mum later discovered that he was having an affair with a younger lady with the goal of having a son. Fortunately for her mum, she didn’t get pregnant until the relationship between them came to an end.
Her mum eventually got pregnant after two children, but her dad never seems to care about her all through the period that she was pregnant. His reason was that she was carrying another female child; it was when she gave birth and it turned out to be his much desire child (son) that things between him and her mum improved. However, the same can’t be said for her and her other sisters. Her father treated them like second class citizens in their home; he rarely attends to them, even when he does, it was with the feeling of been disturbed. Her brother’s case was different, he was a spoilt brat; her dad practically spoilt him with gifts and give him all that he desires.
It took the intervention of his family members and friends before he decided to pay for their university tuition fees; according to him, why pay so much on a child that will end up in another man’s house. Today her and sister are both graduates, with good jobs and married. Her brother however, has dropped out of two universities because of his poor grades; he was able to come out with a lower credit in the Polytechnic he eventually gained admission into after her dad paid so much money for him to be admitted. The sad news is that her brother has been declared wanted by the police for the number of debts he owed in the business dealings he got into; her dad is heart broken by the way his son behaves and doesn’t know his where about till date.
Though her dad never said in clear terms that he was sorry for the way he treated her and her sister, yet she could sense it in his words and behavior towards them. She finds it difficult to even relate with him; so much has happened in their growing up years that she is finding difficult to let go. She however, is doing her best for her parents to be taken cared of at their old age.
What will have happened if all of my children are female? I would have loved them with all of my heart; I hold an opinion that comes from my Christian believe that everyone was born for a purpose and it’s by a deliberate act of the Supreme Being that everyone came into existence. It’s the fulfillment of purpose that gives you a name that will outlive you and not posterity that lots of men consider as the key.
To men reading this article, there is a need to stop stigmatizing your female children; they crave for a fatherly care and love than you can ever imagine. They need your attention; no lady will be expressive to her estranged father at his old age, it’s time that you take a u-turn in your behavior to them. Remember that they are a blessing from God that some are craving for because years after marriage they are still childless.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479
Being a good dad starts from day
I once asked a young man who his wife put to bed recently, if he now knows how to put on diapers for his new born baby. His response was; it’s the woman’s job. So there are jobs assigned primarily for women in the perspective of some men; part of that job includes doing the laundry and majorly the upbringing of the children. Why learn how to fix diapers when the wife is there, is the song you will hear from most fathers; thank God for the modern day were napkins isn’t as desirable for the modern day mothers. It’ll have been worse because the women will have to do the washing so that it’ll be clean and healthy for the use of the child.
I remember when our first son was born four years ago; I picked up my bundle of joy and kissed him. I have become a dad, and was all excited about the feeling. I later learnt that been a dad is not just been called one alone; I saw my wife do things in the house; go to work and come back to a routine life again. That can be very boring, so I decided to give a helping hand to the degree that I was permitted.
I wasn’t allowed to bath him nor wash his gum (no teeth); I had limits on his clothing that I can do the laundry. I wasn’t allowed to breast feed him neither (the mum has the sole prerogative to do that); but I was allowed to change his diapers when he was much older and to rock him gently until he goes to sleep. My wife will wake me up severally times in the night to rock him to sleep after he has done eating; I just hold him and do a gently dance until he goes to bed.
Cleaning is buttocks after peeing and messing his diapers was a messy job at the beginning; the smell can some times knock you out cold. I remember those days like yesterday; exciting and tiring too. I look forward to those days soon; my second son is just a few days old as at the time of writing this article. The only thing I have been allowed to do so far is to rock him to sleep or pick him up so that his mum and grand mum can get other things done in the house. My first son still screams after using the toilet; daddy, come and wash my bombom. I even joking tell him that I am not a bombom washer, and he will respond that you are.
I will like to share a sad story of a father who is now in jail because he didn’t control his temper when his wife angrily told him to take his turn in taking care of his daughter; he threw a punch; she slumped and died.
One of the elders (John) of the local assembly called his member to help him see reasons why he shouldn’t throw tantrum when he is angry with his wife; he out of experience told him of the story of Kunle who is serving a life imprisonment sentence. Kunle was a friend he knew as a child; though very friendly, his weakness is his anger. Once he is angry, it’s difficult to make him see reasons until he has broken something.
When he got married to Yemi 29 years ago, everyone seems to believe he had found a perfect partner; she was cool headed and not the type that you will hear her voice raised. They got married and everyone that knew Kunle counted him lucky to have found such a lovely lady; his area went agog with fun because there were lots of drinks and food served.
Not long when Yemi got pregnant, she rushed down to John’s place because her beloved husband has beaten her blue black. Her face was swollen and full of bruise; it was a miracle that she didn’t loose the pregnancy. He came begging and she agreed to move in with him; not long after their challenges was settle she gave birth to a lovely daughter. Every night when she cries, Kunle will practically kick her awake to keep her quiet not caring if she was fagged out because of the house hold work that she had been doing since he left for the office in the morning. One of those nights when he kicked her to take care of their daughter, she cracked; she began screaming at him to go pick her up and play his role as a father instead of just claiming the right of a dad. Despite his threatening, she didn’t get bothered by it. As she got up to leave him and their child alone in the room, he stood at the door to stop her; one thing led to another and Kunle seems to go wild with anger. He began punching her until she slumped; out of rage he left the house. When he came back hours later, he noticed she hadn’t left the spot she fell down when he threw her the last punch. By the time he picked her up, she was dead.
He was tried for murder and was sentenced to life imprisonment; his daughter is now grown up and married. His regret today is that he didn’t learn to deal with his anger and he wished he had just picked his daughter that night rather than punch his wife. He has spent over 25 years imprison so far.
Every dad should play his role in making his family pressure free; women really need the help of their husband in taking care of their children. It’s easy for a man to get home; throw down his coat, order for his food and sit down to watch Chelsea and Arsenal play while mummy do the running around, the screaming and the spanking. I feel that isn’t fair on the women; acting as a dad don’t start when your children are all grown up, they need you to wash their bumbum and put on their diapers now.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479
I remember when our first son was born four years ago; I picked up my bundle of joy and kissed him. I have become a dad, and was all excited about the feeling. I later learnt that been a dad is not just been called one alone; I saw my wife do things in the house; go to work and come back to a routine life again. That can be very boring, so I decided to give a helping hand to the degree that I was permitted.
I wasn’t allowed to bath him nor wash his gum (no teeth); I had limits on his clothing that I can do the laundry. I wasn’t allowed to breast feed him neither (the mum has the sole prerogative to do that); but I was allowed to change his diapers when he was much older and to rock him gently until he goes to sleep. My wife will wake me up severally times in the night to rock him to sleep after he has done eating; I just hold him and do a gently dance until he goes to bed.
Cleaning is buttocks after peeing and messing his diapers was a messy job at the beginning; the smell can some times knock you out cold. I remember those days like yesterday; exciting and tiring too. I look forward to those days soon; my second son is just a few days old as at the time of writing this article. The only thing I have been allowed to do so far is to rock him to sleep or pick him up so that his mum and grand mum can get other things done in the house. My first son still screams after using the toilet; daddy, come and wash my bombom. I even joking tell him that I am not a bombom washer, and he will respond that you are.
I will like to share a sad story of a father who is now in jail because he didn’t control his temper when his wife angrily told him to take his turn in taking care of his daughter; he threw a punch; she slumped and died.
One of the elders (John) of the local assembly called his member to help him see reasons why he shouldn’t throw tantrum when he is angry with his wife; he out of experience told him of the story of Kunle who is serving a life imprisonment sentence. Kunle was a friend he knew as a child; though very friendly, his weakness is his anger. Once he is angry, it’s difficult to make him see reasons until he has broken something.
When he got married to Yemi 29 years ago, everyone seems to believe he had found a perfect partner; she was cool headed and not the type that you will hear her voice raised. They got married and everyone that knew Kunle counted him lucky to have found such a lovely lady; his area went agog with fun because there were lots of drinks and food served.
Not long when Yemi got pregnant, she rushed down to John’s place because her beloved husband has beaten her blue black. Her face was swollen and full of bruise; it was a miracle that she didn’t loose the pregnancy. He came begging and she agreed to move in with him; not long after their challenges was settle she gave birth to a lovely daughter. Every night when she cries, Kunle will practically kick her awake to keep her quiet not caring if she was fagged out because of the house hold work that she had been doing since he left for the office in the morning. One of those nights when he kicked her to take care of their daughter, she cracked; she began screaming at him to go pick her up and play his role as a father instead of just claiming the right of a dad. Despite his threatening, she didn’t get bothered by it. As she got up to leave him and their child alone in the room, he stood at the door to stop her; one thing led to another and Kunle seems to go wild with anger. He began punching her until she slumped; out of rage he left the house. When he came back hours later, he noticed she hadn’t left the spot she fell down when he threw her the last punch. By the time he picked her up, she was dead.
He was tried for murder and was sentenced to life imprisonment; his daughter is now grown up and married. His regret today is that he didn’t learn to deal with his anger and he wished he had just picked his daughter that night rather than punch his wife. He has spent over 25 years imprison so far.
Every dad should play his role in making his family pressure free; women really need the help of their husband in taking care of their children. It’s easy for a man to get home; throw down his coat, order for his food and sit down to watch Chelsea and Arsenal play while mummy do the running around, the screaming and the spanking. I feel that isn’t fair on the women; acting as a dad don’t start when your children are all grown up, they need you to wash their bumbum and put on their diapers now.
Olufemi Fasanya
relationshipmatters@gmail.com,
+234(0)8037257479
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